A note to a naughty vandal

Dear prick who broke into my house,

I was surprised tonight, to say the least, when I came home and stumbled upon a large rock on the kitchen floor, and shattered glass everywhere.  I knew I had almost caught you in the act, because I could still hear the glass crumbling in the frame of the door.

You may not know this, but the door you decided to smash was brand new.  We finally started to remodel our small, humble home, and you stupidly considered robbing what little we have.

You’re very lucky that my sweet chihuahua, Deuce, was unharmed (terrified nonetheless).  If anything would have happened to him, I would have tracked you down and ripped your balls off with my bare hands.

You should also know that we own a loaded pistol.

Enjoy karma!

When grannies conspire

OK, I don’t actually know if these women are grandmothers or not, but the age is right.

A Los Angeles jury has just convicted 77-year-old Helen Golay and 75-year-old Olga Rutterschmidt guilty of murder and conspiracy to murder.

For the most part I regard the elderly as sweet and slightly senile, but these women are straight up scary.

The two targeted a homeless shelter in Hollywood, made BFFs with middle-aged homeless men, then provided the men with apartments. Conveniently these men were family-free, so no one noticed when Golay and Rutterschmidt took out multiple life insurance policies on the clueless dudes.

After about two years of this charade, the victims were killed in a “hit and run accident.” But nothing about it was accidental.

Golay and Rutterschmidt almost got away with $2.8 mill. 2 men were killed.

Jet planes and pocket rockets

Meeting strangers on flights can be fun. Sometimes it’s just quiet and people mind their own business. Once in a while men masturbate to the site of a sleeping woman next to them. Wait, WHAT?!?

Oh yeah, this happened. Last spring break, a woman flying from Dallas/Ft. Worth to Los Angeles slept through the 3-hour flight, then awoke to find a fellow passenger jacking off and staring at her. When she nervously turned away and ran her fingers through her hair, she found “a substantial amount of an extremely sticky substance in her hair.” Uh huh.. you know what that is. GROSS!

Well this woman is officially suing American Airlines for $200,000. If he hadn’t jizzed on her head, I would call her crazy for taking legal action. But considering the situation, I don’t blame her. Why didn’t someone stop that sicko?!

On their blog Sky Talk, The Star-Telegram explained a little more about the incident.

Bad dog, worse owner

Tonight at the gym I watched Bravo’s “Top 25 Most Outrageous Moments” or something to that effect. I saw this crazy lady screaming about her va-jay-jay, so obviously I had to look for the clip. I guess I should preface this by saying, this is not explicit or anything out of control, just a snippet from the series “Showdog Moms and Dads.”

This makes me think of one of my fav movies, Best in Show. So hilarious, and the perfect depiction of the crazies who dedicate their lives to the dog show lifestyle.

The first well-deserved Time Out!

Oh man. I first saw this on Jimmy Kimmel Live last week, then found the original story here, on the Today Show’s site (there’s a vid, too).

Kentucky resident, Peter Hafer, was on trial for stealing jewelry from a K-Mart, when he decided to beat his attorney’s ass midst court hearing. Hafer punched his defense attorney, Doug Crickmer, IN THE FACE, then knocked him down and continued punching Crickmer in the stomach UNTIL RESTRAINED.

Here’s a pic of bad boy Pete in action (he’s the one in orange):

Crickmer chalked up the attack to a display of his client’s mental instability. The poor guy got it good.

Aside from being an entertaining story, I’m flabbergasted that this convicted criminal would be so ballsy as to hurt the one person who is able to defend him. The US government can be shit, but the universal right to a lawyer in this country isn’t something to be overlooked.

Then again, if you have an anger management problem and you just stole $51,000 in jewelry from K-Mart, you’re probably not going to be thanking your lucky stars for the criminal justice system in the good ‘ol US of A.

I have a feeling Hafer will have plenty of time to reflect on his naughtiness in jail: the ultimate time out.