A note to a naughty vandal

Dear prick who broke into my house,

I was surprised tonight, to say the least, when I came home and stumbled upon a large rock on the kitchen floor, and shattered glass everywhere.  I knew I had almost caught you in the act, because I could still hear the glass crumbling in the frame of the door.

You may not know this, but the door you decided to smash was brand new.  We finally started to remodel our small, humble home, and you stupidly considered robbing what little we have.

You’re very lucky that my sweet chihuahua, Deuce, was unharmed (terrified nonetheless).  If anything would have happened to him, I would have tracked you down and ripped your balls off with my bare hands.

You should also know that we own a loaded pistol.

Enjoy karma!

Jet planes and pocket rockets

Meeting strangers on flights can be fun. Sometimes it’s just quiet and people mind their own business. Once in a while men masturbate to the site of a sleeping woman next to them. Wait, WHAT?!?

Oh yeah, this happened. Last spring break, a woman flying from Dallas/Ft. Worth to Los Angeles slept through the 3-hour flight, then awoke to find a fellow passenger jacking off and staring at her. When she nervously turned away and ran her fingers through her hair, she found “a substantial amount of an extremely sticky substance in her hair.” Uh huh.. you know what that is. GROSS!

Well this woman is officially suing American Airlines for $200,000. If he hadn’t jizzed on her head, I would call her crazy for taking legal action. But considering the situation, I don’t blame her. Why didn’t someone stop that sicko?!

On their blog Sky Talk, The Star-Telegram explained a little more about the incident.

Environmentalists gone bad

The New York Times ran a story today with the headline “House Fires with a Message in the Northwest.” I think “Psychotic Group Trying to Save the Environment by Destroying It” would have been more fitting.

The Earth Liberation Front, a self proclaimed “underground movement” with no leadership or membership, set four vacant homes ablaze today. Three of the four multi million dollar houses were burnt to the ground. The destruction took place north of Seattle, and the houses were models for the Street of Dreams, a new development claiming to be green and environmentally conscious in its building efforts.

Almost anyone can determine that mansions in suburbia aren’t necessarily going to be the “greenest” of the living options out there. But to burn them down in protest? Ironic.

Obviously the members (or should I say non-members) of the ELF wanted to make themselves known because they left a sign that read “Green? Nope Black.” They have been reeking havoc, mostly on the west coast, for some time now.. all in the name of the environment. If you check out their website, it has a strange mix of news about their terrorist tactics, sex movements and Viagra ads.

OK listen: I hate wasted structures. I hate meaningless mansions. I hate rich people who have no consideration for the environment. But the worst of all are groups like this, who have the potential to be a part of the solution, but decide to be wasteful and violent.

Their message will never fall on open ears if they choose destruction over more sophisticated forms of communication.

Wait, Blow refers to Cocaine?

I guess this stuff has been around for a little while. I had no idea.

In case you didn’t realize, this is an ad for an energy drink. Hey, if you look deep into those girls’ eyes, you won’t find a soul.

The creator of this junk says it’s for the “over 18, ultra-hip party crowd.” Or does he mean the crowd that likes to do cocaine?

Please, keep kids away from this toxic shit.